Parents having a daughter often ask why my grown daughter is so mean to me. And most of the time this question is raised with genuine grief in their heart. The reason for this is the incredible bond Parents often have with their daughters.
It has been proven by research that a father’s brain responds differently towards his daughter than a son. In another study, it has been established that a mother-daughter bond is stronger than what many believe.
Given the facts endorsed by the above-mentioned researches, a daughter being mean to parents is hurtful. Let’s take a real psychological approach and look at the problem in detail.
First of all it’s important that we declare what being “mean” actually means here. Are you counting her continuous tease towards you? Are you being offended by her sarcastic answers? If yes unfortunately it could be the case that she’s not being mean, it’s you who’s overthinking the problem.
Signs that Your Grown Daughter is Mean to You
Here’re a few signs that you should look for as a criterion for her rude behavior towards you.
She argues over unimportant topics
The difference of opinion is a natural thing. And this point doesn’t mean that you and you’re daughter should never argue at all. But there are times when you can notice the argument has no specific point but still she’s carrying it firmly against you.
If you’ve noticed that your daughter tries to oppose your view in almost every single scenario and doesn’t care if she adopts a disrespectful tone, she’s definitely mean to you.
She refutes your requests unnecessarily
If you’ve noticed that your daughter refuses your requests in one way or another, she’s mean to you. Remember, we’re talking about scenarios where not accepting your commands doesn’t make sense. For example, if you ask your daughter to turn off the air conditioner she refuses by saying that it’s hot, but when she wants the AC turned off she does it without even asking you.
She doesn’t enjoy your presence
If you really feel your grown daughter is mean to you, notice how she reacts in your presence versus your absence. Let’s say she’s planning a party and apparently, everyone is invited (both friends and family) but she’s hesitant to invite you or doesn’t feel as cheering to do so, she’s probably being mean to you.
She doesn’t show any kind gestures
Putting a blanket on the other one when they’ve fallen asleep, randomly making them breakfast someday, getting something from the kitchen for the other person while you went for yourself only, etc. all these are examples of some kind gestures that propagate that we care for someone. If you’ve never experienced anything like this from your grown daughter even when you’ve been doing a lot from her; your daughter is being unkind on purpose.
Why Could Your Grown Daughter be Mean to You? – 4 Possibilities
Talking about the causes for your grown daughter to be mean to you; there can be multiple factors playing a part in this. Let’s have a look at some of the possibilities which might have instilled this behavior in your daughter.
You were an ignorant Parent earlier
Most of the time, the behavior of grown children is just a reflection of how they’ve been treated in childhood. In fact, it’s been proved scenically that the first five years of your child’s life shape their entire future.
So, ask yourself; how good you treated your daughter? Did she get the love and time she deserved every day? Were you really involved with your daughter or were you following uninvolved parenting? If the answer is no, this can be a huge reason for her rudeness. If you can confidently claim that you were there for your daughter all the time, it’s time to look at another possibility.
You invade her privacy as an adult
As a child, your daughter was always open to you about everything. She shared every detail of how her school went on a particular day, what she and her friend talked about, and what she likes/dislikes about anything. No secrets kept there.
However, as she started growing up she started to keep things to her and stopped sharing every bunch of detail with you. Now when she has turned into a fully grown-up adult, she doesn’t want you to come into her room without knocking, she doesn’t want you to look into her phone anytime you want and she doesn’t want you to push yourself in her life like a spy.
All those things can be really annoying for your daughter and may seem like an invasion of her privacy. This could lead to rude and mean behavior towards her parents.
You never valued her opinion
No child likes it when they’re being ignored or their opinion isn’t valued. Although it doesn’t seem to be taken seriously by your child until they grow up. As an adult, your child would like their point of view heard and their opinion valued.
If there are instances where you take suggestions from everyone in the room but not your daughter, you share your problems with everyone but not your daughter and you hate when her point of view is different from yours, it clearly conveys that her opinion isn’t valued.
You try to make decisions for her
One reason for your daughter to be mean to you is that you never gave her the control of her own life. Most of the time Parents get used to making decisions for their grown children since that is how they did it when they were just kids.
It’s important to mention that this relates to making decisions and judging their decisions as well. Talking in the case of a daughter, for example, if she says she’s not ready to date anyone, respect her decision. You don’t need to judge their choice, let alone forcing your choices on them.
The same goes for her career, the style she picks, or the lifestyle she chose. Forcing your norms on your grown daughter will only put your relationship in a miserable state and she’ll definitely be mean to you.
How You Can Bond With Your Mean Grown Daughter Again?
We’ve looked at some of the potential reasons why your daughter developed this rude behavior with you. Let’s now look at some actionable steps parents can take to re-bond with their grown daughter.
2. Value her as an ADULT family member
The very first thing that needs to be done needs to be done subconsciously. If you’ve felt your daughter doesn’t feel valuable or you’ve identified your treatment to her wasn’t right earlier, change it right away. You don’t have to declare anything explicitly; just value her as an adult member of the family and love her as your daughter.
With time your daughter will start to notice that now you not only value her opinion but respect their choices as well. This would start instilling confidence in your daughter and she’d stop avoiding your company knowing that she’s respected and accepted as she is.
3. Talk and propagate your feelings
It’s been proved that talking to your parents regularly helps you strengthen your relationship with them over time. Thus when there’s something that is weakening you relationship you should talk about it.
If your daughter doesn’t usually talk with you or you’ve never approached first, you have to change the pattern. Communication is one big weapon to heal the boundaries of your relationship with your daughter. Just be genuine and talk about how you feel about her as your daughter. Directly/Indirectly convey to her that you get what she feels and try that this sticks as a routine.
4. Interact with her and engage her in
Another thing that significantly helps in reconstructing your relationship with your grown daughter who’s mean to you is engaging her in conversations and activities. Having a one-way conversation to propagate your feelings isn’t going to get the whole task done. You have to encourage your daughter to interact more and open up with her feelings. Let her describe why the way that she is to you are.
Also, spending some time together with other activities is very helpful. It doesn’t have to be as sophisticated as a vacation or as fancy as a world tour. We are talking about the little things that matter. For example, on Friday night you can watch movies together, on Sundays you can play with the little ones together, etc. Whatever you can think of which can drag you two to have fun together is probably a good idea.
4. Show her your unconditional love
No matter if your frown daughter is mean to you or not, your two powers as Parents are your caring relationship and your unconditional love. Both of these are instilled in human beings by nature. You can melt your daughter’s heart with your unconditional love and support.
For example, even if your daughter doesn’t come to help you when you asked, offer yourself if she needs help in any matter. If your daughter tries to avoid visiting you on purpose, let her know how much you love when she takes out time to do so. When your daughter backbites about you, still say positive things on and off her face. All this pure love and genuine care will ultimately play out and your grown daughter will stop being mean to you.
Even if you feel like your relationship with your grown daughter is badly broken and there’s no way to fix it up, there’s still a possibility that you strengthen it back. You as Parents just need to take a psychological approach instead of an emotional one.
Other than that you have to be patient. Your grown daughter could be mean to you because of the way she’s been raised her whole life. Her rudeness towards you could have become a part of her personality which will take some time to fully take out of her.
Taking the steps mentioned above and giving this process some time will fix everything for you eventually.