What could be more devastating for parents than not receiving any love from their own children? Grown children who ignore their parents rarely feel the guilt for it and that’s why they continue this behavior for a long time.
Over time this weakens the relationship between the parents and their grown children, the bond loses its strength and it puts adverse effects on the family in the future.
But it’s not usually that simple.
Before looking for the solutions to this problem you as parents need to identify if your grown children are actually ignoring you.
In some cases, there can be misunderstandings or simply their hectic schedule is being the obstacle in the way.
Here are some signs to know if you are being ignored by your grown children;
Signs Your Grown Children are Ignoring You.
You don’t see each other often
One of the simplest and most common sign could be fewer meetings between you and your children on normal days.
You two don’t see each other for a very long time; this means they’ve been ignoring you out of their lives.
Although the time kids grow up they move to another place and start their own family.
However you can feel your grown children living their lives happily and having separate time with you isn’t their priority ever, they’re just shrugging you off.
They never call you themselves.
The second thing to think about is how often you two talk over a phone call. And more importantly how often do your children make the call?
See it’s a fact that Parents love children more than Children love parents. So parents would always be more eager to talk over the phone.
However If the children certainly never call first to have a conversation or dialogue with their parents, it proves that they ignore their parents and aren’t interested to talk to them anyway.
Another thing is if you’ve found that your children call you only when they need some help or favor, it’s a clear cut sign of their flatness towards you.
You’d hear about them from Outsiders.
A family is like an organization that shares the same affairs problems with usual outsiders not knowing most of it.
But not being a part of your grown children could lead you to hear about them from outsiders and if that’s the case you’re probably being ignored.
For example, if you hear from people outside your family that your son moved to a new city along with his family, or that he recently had a baby you didn’t know about.
These are pretty strong signals that your grown son isn’t valuing you as a part of your family anymore.
You feel they are rebellious towards you.
Grown children who ignore their parents often find their parents boring first.
Later a little hate adds up for them and that’s where they’d be rebellious towards their own parents.
Usually, adult children are mature enough to value their parent’s words and count their advice.
However, if you find your children going against your advice on purpose (even when it doesn’t make sense) they are being rebellious.
For example, if you suggested some good schools for your grandchildren and their parents resist your choice for clearly no specific reason, chances are that its hate which has developed.
They make excuses for missing important events.
Ever invited your adult children for dinner and they didn’t show up? Maybe they were busy in their lives and work.
But what if they do it consistently and you sense that they’re doing it on purpose?
They are avoiding an encounter with you and or spending time with you isn’t their priority.
If you find your matured children not coming home even on Christmas or Easter, there’s probably a problem.
It’s clear that they aren’t as excited to meet you as you are and they’re using excuses to cover that up.
Causes of Why Grown Children Ignore their Parents?
No children would ignore their parents for no reason.
If you have seen this behavior in them, there must be solid reasons which indulged them into these actions.
Your treatment to them in childhood
Parents rejected by their child could be a direct consequence of the child being rejected and ignored by parents in their childhood.
Recall how you treated your children in their early childhood.
If you were spending plenty of time with them, going to their sports game, taking them out for a picnic often, chances are your children will be attached with you for a lifetime.
And similarly, if you never took interest in their lives and were always busy at work, then seeing the same behavior in them now shouldn’t be a surprise for you.
The reason is that the early development of a child shapes their personality for life thus providing a good environment will turn-times positive later in the future and vice versa.
You still consider them ‘Just a Kid’
One of the biggest mistakes most parents make is that they think of their adult children as they’re still just kids.
This way you are undermining your adult child’s value.
After all, he’s a complete adult now and deserves a specific worth in the family. So you shouldn’t do anything that makes him feel any less.
When you take his car without permission, when you don’t value his work, when you make decisions for him, it would convey him a feeling that you still think of him as a child and he’d hate it.
This continuous behavior from your side would build an offensive etiquette in your child and he may disrespect you later on.
You show hatred towards their spouse
The Spouse of your adult child matters to him.
He/She is supposed to be a partner to your grown kid who deserves the same respect and significance in the house.
It’s quite common in families to be reluctant towards their child’s spouse.
He/She may not be as important to you as a person, but her/his relationship with your child is different.
Out of all the grown children who ignore their parents a big percentage witnesses a clash between their parents and spouse.
If you disrespect or disregard your child’s spouse he’d try to avoid you two stumbling across each other and thus you would be pushed aside in the process.
You show more control over their kids
It’s an underrated family problem that actually plays a big role in weakening the relationship between parents and their mature children.
Having grandchildren you affectionate them and of course, have the authority over them. But your authority over them shouldn’t clash the control of their own parents on them.
For example, if your parents denied buying your grandchildren a toy and you interfered saying; “Don’t worry honey, Grandpa will buy you this one”, you’re making their own parents look worthless in front of you.
And other than hurting your adult children sentiments you’re probably conveying the wrong message for your grandchildren as well.
You don’t care about their private life.
The most common issue which makes the children start ignoring their kids is that the parents don’t value their child’s private life.
Spending time with your grown children is always a good practice, but wanting to stick to them always is never. You have to accept and respect their private life.
It’s mostly because you haven’t really accepted that they have their own separate life as well.
Let them have some time with their spouse only; don’t insist on joining with them when they’ve planned a picnic with only their kids, don’t ask for their time randomly.
All these small things would determine how safe they feel their private life is around you as their parent.
You consider yourself the Boss of the house.
Parents had the time when they were the boss and the decision-maker of their family. Every member relied on you and you had the most responsibility.
Now when your kids have grown up you still have the same attitude and that’s coming in the way of your children.
If you’re visiting them, you shouldn’t act bossy in front of them.
You need to know the things that you shouldn’t say to your adult children and which make you look at the head of their lives which you aren’t of course.
This would start shattering the value of your adult children in the eyes of their own family. And they would ultimately start brushing you aside from their lives.
How Parents Can Bond with their Disrespectful Grown Children?
Give them an individual Value in the house.
The very first thing to change is restoring its value in the house. Every individual requires specific importance and role in the family.
You as Parents would need to make your children feel that they mean something in the family.
How can you do that?
Here the little things count. For example, if you’re thinking about selling a property of yours, ask their opinion and thoughts before taking action.
This would give them a sense of acceptance in the family and particularly in your life.
Give value to their work, their own family and their private life. Understand that they deserve to respect the same way you do.
Be respectful towards them in the presence of their children and don’t damage their esteem even if you’re angry.
Understand the Value of their time.
For your children to care and love you, you’d have to value their time and accept their time division.
It’s pretty obvious that with them having their wife, children and work they can’t dedicate all their time to you.
It’s up to you now to take them seriously.
For example, if you’ve been asking them to help you in moving to a new place or anything, understand that they have their work and professional life behind them so asking a complete day of them isn’t a small thing.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that you shouldn’t ask for their time, but rather means that when they allocate time for you recognize it properly.
Say things like; “I am really thankful for your time dear” or “It wouldn’t have been possible without you”.
Phrases like this would make them feel appreciated and they’d even be happy to help in the future.
Talk to them and convey your feelings.
The evergreen and probably the best way of solving any family problem are to talk over it.
Sitting and talking to the next person clears many misunderstandings and would help you convey your feelings being parents as well.
You don’t have to be very strategic about this talk.
However, starting out its good to ask them directly; “Why do I feel like there’s a gap emerging between us two”?
This would arouse your grown children to give this problem serious thought.
Try to be as open as possible and let your emotions flow into the discussion. Share the sense of insecurity you experience when your children ignore you.
Tell them what your children mean to you and how hard it would be to live a life without them.
This tactic would help to arouse the hidden love and make your children emotionally closer to you.
When Talking, Engage them in.
You’d need to talk to them more often. Being done with having a serious conversation make sure you are spending enough time with each other.
And pointing to having a conversation it’s important that you have an effective one.
And it’d only be possible if your children are as engaged in the conversation as you are. Otherwise, it’d be just you lecturing them all alone.
But how can we make this conversation more functional?
One really simple trick is to ask questions which cannot be answered with just “Yes/No”.
Ask them about their day in the office, or how your grandson’s football game was, or what their future plans for a family are.
You should ask anything that could be discussed in two ways and in detail.
The next important thing is that you listen to them attentively, being genuinely concerned. This would wipe out a big chunk of negative energy stuck between two.
Respect their time with Spouse and Kids
Many studies have revealed that a person spending time with their family reduces stress for them.
The most undermined thing is that you don’t recognize your children’s private life. You can’t stick to them all day leaving them with no time for their closed family.
It can be the case that your children realized you’re disturbing their personal life they started ignoring you.
This mostly happens because Parents don’t fully accept their adult children’s family and are insecure about them.
Let your children have time with their spouse and kids. Don’t insist on joining them every place they go to.
For example; if you’ve found out that they are going out on a picnic just wish them good luck, express your love, that’s it.
Doing so, you’d realize that this behavior of yours is always cherished by your children.
Be a Support at their back.
Every child feels secure knowing that his parents would always be on his side. The same goes for you.
Your children expect support from you and are supposed to look up to you in any difficulty.
Thus letting them know that you’d be assisting them no matter what would bring them closer to you.
It’s simply because you are showing love and care. It makes them feel that they mean something to you.
And thus it’d put them into the guilt of ignoring your presence all the time and ultimately your relationship would be stronger.
If you’ve identified this problem from the reasons it was aroused.
And have approached it by taking the appropriate steps (as discussed above) you’d erase the friction between you and your children pretty easily.
The final words from our side would be that don’t be disappointed by your children’s actions.
Grown children who ignore their parents are also going through a hard phase somehow.
Whatever their behavior is, it’s developed over a certain time and can be corrected to normal if you are being thoughtful, willing to put in the effort sincerely and give it time.